every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
