just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
