I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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