He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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