I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize