I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
