Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
