drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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