Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize