why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
