Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
