I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
