I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
