Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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