If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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