The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
