just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
