I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
