Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
