How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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