I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
