do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
