WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
