Just fell off a train. Bad.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
