Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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