i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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