he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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