So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
