my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
