so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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