There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
