If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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