I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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