Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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