So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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