After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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