Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
