i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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