Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
