the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
