So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
