I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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