No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
