there was a trapeze. enough said
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
