dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
love makes seman taste better
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
