i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
