I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
