i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
