too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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