By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Houston, we have a blender
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
