Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
