Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
