apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
