This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
